Today is new.
Today is the beginning.
Your beginning. Mine too.
Today is also an anniversary, for me.
Today is a beginning because I’m restructuring the blog. It’s something I’ve been saying I was going to do for a very long time, but now I’m doing it. Stories need to be shared, and lots of people have asked about mine. I tend to get shy about sharing things, but there are just things that need to be out there. I’m going to go ahead with it, not worrying about what other people think. I know there are those (my ex) who don’t want me to talk about certain experiences. But this is MY experience too, and someone might benefit from me sharing it. I’ve weighed the potential benefits against the negatives and concluded that I’ve been silent for too long.
In fact silence got me in a mess. The mess I was in two years ago.
Sitting in a hotel room. Wishing a person could really die from grief and pain and despair. Because I would have died, that night.
I was hopeless. I was being emotionally abused, systematically, and with a giant case of “frog in a pot” syndrome I had come to accept it. Except for days like that day, two years ago, when the little bit of FIGHT still left in me reared its head.
There were always consequences to this, understand. And the consequence on the previous day had been that I was viciously attacked, until I was really ready to jump out of the car.
Which was a moving car. 60 miles an hour. On the Interstate.
The horrified look on the faces of my kids brought me back to sanity. But I knew I would pay for this, too. That, though he had driven me to this move with his attacking, he would still say I was crazy, that I was mentally unstable. That he would hold the threat of that over me, the possibility that I might be separated from my kids, to keep me stuck in the marriage.
Why tell such a personal thing? Because someone else is there, right now. Someone else has this same kind of situation going on. Someone else doesn’t acknowledge it as abuse, because there’s no hitting, no name-calling, no locking you out of the house or threats. Just a relentless verbal attack, implied threats, maybe a bit of economic power thrown in.
So now I’m going to tell you where I got to, so you know there’s a happy ending. The scope of my story in the coming days and weeks will cover the journey, from that day to this and onward. And while some of it will be honest and raw, like this, I promise some of it will be funny and light. Hopefully most of all it will be inspirational.
Today I’m happily single, enjoying my life, in better shape than I’ve ever been (even as a teenager). Things have fallen into place, at this point seemingly effortlessly. I don’t fear life any more. I’m not anxious. I’m free. I have shared custody of my amazing kids. They have a better relationship with me, and with their dad.
I lived. I had a friend two years ago who was also in despair. We connected in that space. She did not survive. I’m doing this for her, and all of those like us who get to that hopeless place. I’m doing this to say that there is one real guarantee: life will change. There is always the possibility of something better, something created between you and the Universe that will take you in the direction of your dreams.
So let’s go.
Love you, C.